Cringe-worthy Question

Over the years, I’ve been asked a lot of questions pertaining to my military career. From “Have you ever killed anyone?” to “Where have you been stationed?” and everything in between. I even had a friend ask me vehemently why I would join the Army over the Air Force when I graduated high school (it’s ironic that I did end up joining the Air Force eventually). Other fascinating and random questions revolve around asking my stance on the new Sig Sauer gun or what’s my stance on the political climate in Israel. Am I concerned about Taiwan? Will I have to deploy? The list goes on. I answer all the questions because I’m acutely aware that most people just don’t know and are curious. Sometimes I have no answer. But the one question that I have been asked on more than a few occasions that just makes my skin crawl is this: “Is the Air Force better for females?” It’s a legit question, but it’s the wrong question and incredibly presumptuous. 

I hate this question because I feel that it truly perpetuates the dogma that women aren’t tough and can’t handle the Army (or the Navy or Marines), as well as that those services haven’t improved over the years. It is looking for a “yes” or “no” response versus a conversation. As someone who has served on both the Army and Air Force teams and as a mother to three daughters, this “innocent” question sparks a flood of counter questions in my head. When I ask for clarification, I’m often met with answers stymied in paternalistic roots. “Well, my uncle who served during the Gulf War said the Air Force just treats women better.” I see…And what about men? Does the Air Force treat men better than any other branch? Don’t people care about how any military branch treats all service members? 

The question I wish more people would ask is, “What kind of person would fare well in the Army versus the Air Force?” In my opinion, neither branch treats one gender “better” than the other. Are there different physical requirements? Yes, indeed. But when asking questions around comparing branches of service, there is a better way to ask that highlights the individual instead of overall generalities related to gender, race, religion, or sexual orientation. The distinguishing factors of successful military members aren’t rooted in gender (or other broad category), but in their individual interests, communication style preference, and leadership style. 

If someone welcomes the idea of working in a quiet and windowless vault, with no cell phones, while analyzing movement patterns of potential enemies, is a more soft-spoken individual and prefers not to do ruck marches, then perhaps this person should work in Intel in the Air Force. If someone likes to get literally dirty, be outside, be incredibly physical, and enjoy a high level of comradery, then go Army. If a person wants to live near the ocean and is a technical person who likes to work with their hands, maybe a job as Marine helicopter mechanic is the path for them. If someone wants to be a military nurse, but not be restricted to a hospital, then go to the Navy. I know, deep down, that most leaders strive to treat everyone with dignity and respect and offer equitable opportunities to all even if some policies don’t offer 100 percent of opportunities to everyone. Perhaps someday it will. 

There should be some acknowledgement that the military has made great strides since allowing women to join in 1948. It offers equal pay for equal work and has some of the best maternity leave policies I’ve ever heard of within the US. And although the military still isn’t perfect and it can be slow at times, progress is actively being made! Indifferent to being male or female, we must not allow one’s gender to navigate which branch to join should not be the lynchpin or determining factor to make such a decision.

I have three daughters. They see what I do and they ask a lot of questions. They know I have to travel a lot and, sometimes, I miss school events to meet mission requirements. They get to see if I am being treated well and can hear if I have complaints. It has been interesting to watch and hear them each plot their own potential course even if it changes regularly.

 Once, one of my daughters thought she might want to join the Space Force because she really enjoys all things space-related and likes video games. Currently, another daughter proudly wears my initial issue BDU summer cap and loves calling cadences with me and changing the words to fit her world. She proclaims, “I’m doing what you did…going Army!” My third daughter has declared she wants to be a military doctor, but not sure for what branch yet. I love where their minds are at, but if none of them join the military, that is fine. If they all join the Air Force because it supports their individual interests and goals, then…awesome. It really doesn’t matter as long as their goals fit who they are on the inside. If they, or anyone else for that matter, have even an ounce of propensity to serve, I hope they forge their path based on their innate interests and desires, and not limit their search based on their gender.

As parents and leaders, the right questions must be asked to get the right answers. Times have changed and continue to do so. Through the cooperation and collaboration from both genders in the military, fair and equal treatment and opportunity can be afforded to all. When looking at the military’s various branches, “best fit” should be the goal, not “best gender.” I’m just so grateful that cultural changes have occurred over the years which have led to me having more career options rather than only being able to be a lipstick-wearing secretary or pantyhose wearing nurse. No, thank you.