Balancing Boundaries

“It’s lonely at the top” is a common sentiment across many facets of leadership. Humans aren’t meant to be alone—we thrive in community. It’s one of the traits that allows us to make progress. When we are lonely, we feel disconnected, sad, or insecure. As leaders—more specifically officers—progress in their careers, they may find it increasingly difficult to separate themselves from the masses. While challenging, I’ve observed that leaders can more easily detach from those they recently supervised and establish boundaries in those professional relationships. It’s the boundaries between peers, co-workers, and even superior officers that tend to create the most friction.

One of the best parts of the military is the innate teamwork embedded at every level of an organization. As the collective team rows in one direction with mission accomplishment in mind, leaders must rely on one another to amplify success. A platoon leader, company commander, or squadron commander depends on equivalent effort from their counterparts. When a co-worker fails to meet the expected standard, leaders must engage in direct conversations. But what if that co-worker is also a friend outside of work? What if there’s a past relationship? Or if that peer is your future boss? “Office” politics, personal history, and emotions can quickly become barriers to effective communication. Those barriers must be breached. It will be uncomfortable, but it is necessary to maintain good order and discipline. Troops must not be exposed to bickering or inconsistent leadership, as it creates discord at the lowest levels.

As undesirable as candid conversations with peers—or even bosses—may be, there are ways leaders can prevent these barriers from forming. Military members are trained to prepare “just in case.” For example, we are taught to “run, hide, fight” in an active shooter situation so we don’t freeze in uncertainty. Likewise, leaders must prepare themselves with the tools needed to protect their people and the mission. Consistency, transparency, and clear boundaries are essential tools to keep the organization moving in the right direction.

Leaders must show up consistently and perform at a high level. While this may sound exhausting, it’s what we owe the American people. Showing up with a solid plan, a positive attitude, and a clear mind is what our people expect—and deserve. Inconsistency signals a lack of care, professionalism, and trust. How can your team believe you’re invested if you show up at random hours? How can your boss trust you with high-visibility projects if you don’t consistently deliver quality work? Leaders who fail to model standards often create additional problems when they must discipline subordinates for behaviors they themselves display.

Transparency may be a buzzword, but it remains a critical leadership trait. No one respects a shady boss, peer, or subordinate. Individual goals are natural and healthy, but not when pursued at the expense of others. Leaders must balance personal ambitions—such as promotion or recognition—with organizational values like teamwork, excellence, and selflessness. I’ve often questioned whether some leaders prioritize certain projects at the cost of unit morale and energy, all in the name of achievement or advancement. Regardless, understanding the true “why” behind decisions is always appreciated.

I’ve also witnessed leaders compromise their moral and ethical standards due to poorly defined boundaries between friendships and professional relationships. Sharing experiences—like grabbing a beer or going on a fishing trip—can strengthen bonds, but it can also complicate situations when corrective action is required. This becomes even more challenging when the relationship is between an officer and an NCO who work closely together. Few things test a leader’s integrity more than recognizing that a trusted friend is mistreating subordinates. Do you make the hard right decision and take action, or the easy wrong one to preserve the friendship? Similarly, if a commander—who is also a friend—is in the wrong, would you speak up even if it could impact your career? These are the moments that reveal whether a leader’s values are truly embedded in their character.

Balancing career progression, relationships, and the responsibility to serve is a delicate dance—and sometimes a lonely one. Leaders must be predictable and transparent so their teams know what to expect. Too much time and energy are wasted trying to guess what a leader wants. When subordinates can’t rely on their leader, that leader may ultimately find themselves alone. Leaders must clearly communicate intent and act decisively when needed. Failure to do so can break morale as quickly as a stick snaps underfoot. Establishing and maintaining professional boundaries is essential. If leaders cannot accept some degree of loneliness early in their careers, they may find themselves truly alone in the end.