Avoiding the Perception of Favoritism

One of my professional mottos that I say often (and genuinely try to live by) is, “I hate everyone equally.”

Yeah, I know. It sounds negative and a little off-putting. But for me, it’s actually more realistic than saying, “I like everyone equally.” That would be a stretch.

What I really mean is this: everyone starts from the same baseline. I hold everyone to the same expectations and standards, and I do my best to offer equal opportunity and the same benefit of the doubt.

That’s the goal. But in practice? It’s a lot harder than it sounds.

Have you ever had a high-visibility project—something important, something with zero room for error? Be honest. Someone immediately came to mind to handle it.

Let’s call him Tom.

Tom crushes everything you give him. Tight timelines, limited resources; it doesn’t matter. He delivers. Every time. And not only does he get results, he makes you look good. Really good.

So naturally, you keep going back to Tom.

And because Tom keeps performing, he gets recognized. Awards. Praise. Trust from higher leadership. He gets picked for special TDYs and unique opportunities that others at his rank don’t see.

Good for Tom.

Not so great for the tens—or hundreds—of other people you’re responsible for.

Tom is the easy button. You know he won’t fail.

But what about everyone else?

What about the people you haven’t challenged, developed, or invested time into? The ones who haven’t had the chance to grow because you keep defaulting to your top performer?

Relying on the same “rock stars” might feel efficient, but it comes with consequences. It can quietly erode morale, trust, and ultimately good order and discipline.

Whether you’re the leader, or even Tom himself, you need to be aware of this dynamic.

Your people are paying attention. If they see the same individual getting picked over and over for high-visibility opportunities, your credibility as a fair and impartial leader starts to slip. Fast.

This shows up in climate surveys. It comes out in sensing sessions. But even before that, people just know. They see it. They feel it. And they interpret it as being less valued.

So as a leader, you have to be intentional.

Ask yourself:

• Does Tom actually have time for this?
• Didn’t Tom just get the last opportunity?
• Who else is capable—even if they need some coaching?
• Who needs a growth opportunity right now?
• What resources can I provide to help someone else succeed?
• How do I build a stronger, more balanced team?

At some point, you may come to an uncomfortable realization: You actually have to put in effort to develop your people.

Don’t default to the easy route. Don’t be lazy. Wouldn’t it be better to have 20 Toms instead of just one?

That only happens if you invest in others.

One tool I’ve used to help solve this problem is an Order of Merit List (OML).

In one of my units, we had recurring opportunities to travel to Cabo Verde in Africa as part of a training mission. After COVID, everyone wanted to go. The demand was high, but we only had two to five slots per mission.

So instead of handpicking the same people, I opened it up.

I asked for volunteers, reviewed qualifications, and built a list:

• Who is ready now
• Who needs development before they’re ready

Then, every time an opportunity came up, I worked down the list. One person at a time. No skipping around unless there was a legitimate reason.

Could I have just sent the same team every time? Absolutely. They would’ve gotten even better, and the mission results would’ve stayed strong. But that wouldn’t have been good for the unit as a whole.

The goal wasn’t just mission success. It was building capability across the team.

Fairness also applies to the not-so-glamorous jobs.

In Iraq, our NCOIC made sure teams rotated through the third shift at the medical clinic. Nobody wanted it. While others were handling the busiest shifts—the “action”—someone had to mop floors and inventory supplies in the middle of the night. Still, everyone took their turn. Expectations were clear. The purpose was understood.

Because of that, complaints were minimal, and the operation ran smoothly. Fair doesn’t mean everyone loves it. It means everyone shares the load.

There’s another reason this matters—and it’s a big one: your own bias. When you consistently favor the same person, you start to lose objectivity. I’ve seen leaders struggle when their “golden child” messes up.

“How could Tom have stolen from the DFAC?”
“There must be a reason.”

“How could Tom fail a urinalysis?”
“That doesn’t make sense.”

Then comes the dangerous thought:
“I can’t punish Tom the same way—I mean, look at everything he’s done for the unit.”

No.

Absolutely not.

That’s how integrity breaks down.

As a leader, you have to apply standards evenly.

Ask yourself:
Would I take the same action with Bill?

Bill, who never got the high-visibility projects.
Bill, who never got selected to travel.
Bill, who just shows up, does his job, and keeps his head down.

If the answer is no, you’ve got a problem.

And here’s the uncomfortable follow-up:
Did you ever give Bill a real chance?
Did you ever develop him?
Or did you just keep picking Tom because it required less effort from you?

Yeah…that one stings.

Whenever I’ve had to consider disciplinary action—counselings, reprimands, investigations—I pause and ask:

“Would I handle this the same way for anyone else? Tom? Bill?”

If the answer is yes, I move forward.

If I hesitate, I dig deeper. Why is this different? What’s influencing my decision?

Because at the end of the day, you are the moral, ethical, and legal compass for your team.

Having preferences isn’t a crime. But acting on them consistently—at the expense of fairness—will slowly unravel your organization.